How Can I Love God But Hate Myself?

Hmmm… that is a tough one really. How can I love God but hate myself? I know I am far from being on my own in this situation. A lot of people, Christians and non-Christians, dislike who they are; their height, their weight, their shape, their size, their hair… the list could go on. I am not going to even go into the things that I would change about myself, quite frankly the list would be long, boring and well I am not writing this for people to feel sorry for me. In this world today, media dominates a large proportion of it. It is every where, no matter which way you turn. It is like a wasp and it seems that every time you even attempt to waft it away it comes right back. Training to be a teacher and previously being a youth leader, I have even seen instances from young ages where young children even feel like they have to conform in a certain way; it is truly heart-breaking to be quite frank. What 8 year-old should have to feel like they do not look the right way and should have to follow the “laws” of image?  Personally, I go day in and day out of not feeling like I love the way I look. Although it plays on my mind a lot, it came to light yesterday the way I feel when talking to a friend. I often despise looking in the mirror and seeing pictures of myself is often horrible. In the past I have been out with friends and we take a group picture, I am mortified when I look back at it, I see everyone else looking lovely and then I see me, I can not look past it, and for me when I tell people that I do not like it can we take another is hard. But sometimes I feel misunderstood, I do not do it to get complements by no means and I do not do it for the attention… I genuinely hate the way I look on it. I look at others and think I want to be them, I want to look like her, I have to look this way to be accepted by males. When I think about it, it is truly ridiculous. Why should anyone have to go through their lives feeling like this?

But how and where does God fit into this? Either you are asking this about yourself or wondering how people, like myself, can manage to have a relationship with Jesus and a faith with God but still manage to have self-hate in life. The answer, albeit not simple can be defined in one word. DIFFICULT. People think that having a faith is easy and I am sure you will agree with me that it is not. Despite it being challenging it is heart-warming to know that God loves us despite all of our flaws and foibles. But for me, where do I stand? How can I stand in God’s embrace when I do not like how I look? God told us that we were made in His image. I have never seen God- but I can safely say that His beauty is so vast that we can not comprehend it, so surely we are? God made every single one of us… He planned it out, He thought so carefully and so intricately. Why can I not understand that, God made me for who I am so why can I not love who I am? Unfortunately, the reason is that the world gets inside us, it allows us to think that we are not beautiful and it allows us to feel awful about ourselves. God on the other hand looks at us from the inside out; he sees emotions, he sees our hearts and he even see our faces and bodies and thinks I love her/him. I pity those (we are all culprits!) who feel like they can look at someone and think ‘they are ugly’, ‘they are fat’, ‘they have too many spots’ or  ‘there legs are too skinny’, why would you do this, if God the King, can look at everyone upon this Earth and see their beauty why should you not?

I could ramble on for ages, I really could. It is clearly for me a very open wound. I struggle with body-image issues and I constantly fault who I am. But do you ever think that when you look at someone else and think that ‘I want to be them’, they are looking at themselves thinking ‘I hate my legs and my bum, why can I not look like them?’. I have a long way to go before I can except who I am, I am not denying this is easy, far from it. But what I would say is try your very best to see yourself through God’s eyes, not the world’s. Try, again it is very hard, to value who you are, love the person who you are… God sees your beauty and so will the people who love you.

Genesis 1:27 (NIV)- ‘So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them’.

Much love and God Bless

Daughter Of God ❤

 

Anxiety and God: How Do They Fit?

Anxiety is a thing that nobody wants to experience, yet soooo many do. It is like a viral infection, it spreads so rapidly. It is that voice that tells you ‘I can not do it’, ‘I am not good enough’, ‘I am just not worth it’; it happens but can I ever let it go? It feels like a chain dragging me down, deeper and deeper until I drown: it is pain; it is fear; it is doubt. As a Christian with anxiety, I scream for God, I call His name and often it feels like He can not hear me… He can, but when you are deep in that pit of desperation it often feels like I am miles from Him. I want to run into His arms but I feel like a bad Christian, I feel like He will be mad at me for not trusting in Him, for having these awful feelings of self hate and often further. I have never self harmed and I am so glad that God has saved me before this, but surely having the thoughts are just as bad, it is still close to the act? I question often whether it would make me feel better or would it relieve pain? After minutes or sometimes an hour of anxiety I look at myself in disgust! Why would I, a Christian, judge God’s trust, how could I betray such awesome beauty. I take this anger out on others, often family, I get mad and find myself arguing with them… I do not mean too and I am not mad at them, I am just so angry at myself… Will I ever learn from this lesson? 
I, personally, have a long way to go, miles in fact in getting over this anxiety and lack of trust, but I truly believe in ‘if you fall down 7 times, stand up 8’. Jesus died for us on the cross so we can have chance after chance; we should not take this for granted but we can try and redeem ourselves. One of my best friends, whom I go to when I am really struggling, often questions me ‘have you prayed?’… damn it! In the midst of the state of panic I forgot to pray? How stupid can I be! God is probably looking at me thinking ‘pray, I will not leave your side’. How can I be so stubborn to forget God, He is holding my hand and I cannot even remember to thank Him! But the Lord loves me, He loves you. He is not mad. He wants us to invite Him in. He has felt pain through Jesus on the cross. He understands what we are going through. We are not alone, no matter how alone we feel. 
One day, I will be able to kick anxiety in the face… it will probably be many days, years in fact… but through it all I know God will be with me, and He will be with you too. He loves you, yes little you! He adores you. You are His child and it kills Him to see you cry, but He will never love you any less, He will never be angry at you, He will never be disappointed. 
Pray, read your Bible, talk to a friend, go out and pursue a hobby, what ever is that helps you and God combined rip off those chains that are drowning you. 

You will get through this, and when you do you will be so proud of yourself and God will be so proud of you. 

Philippians 4:6-7 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Song: Will Reagan- Break Every Chain

Much love and God bless
Daughter of God ❤

Christ, my Rock

Helloooo,
Storms, ‘what are they?’ I hear you ask. Well, I am certainly no expert or psychologist, but I can safely say that everybody’s storms are different, hence why we should not judge others because we truly can often never completely and utterly understand what they are going through (I agree we can show large amounts of empathy towards others because we understand their troubles but we often do not completely understand their true heart). 

Each can be different; it can be a light shower of sadness or a heavy thunderstorm of pain, but each immensely significant, so individual to our life story… what I would say though is just because one chapter of your “book” seems to be awful it does not mean that every chapter will be. Tomorrow is another day, a new start, and God is willing to give you this chance over and over; that does not in any sense mean we should take it for granted but it means that we can keep trying… 

God does not expect you to do this all on your own, He never expects us to do anything on our own, if we ask Him into our lives He will willingly help us and stand by us through everything. Our storms do not define us, they are merely an element to our life, which like in a chemical formula we can remove depending on what we do. We can rip away from the things that lead us to sin or cause us pain by finding strength in Christ. You are stronger than you know… many people are so proud of you… keep praying, there is no wrong way… call on your King, He wants to help you, He does not expect you to go through your storm alone; anxiety, depression, temptation, sin, fear, what ever it is. You are never too broken for Christ. HE LOVES YOU. 
Isaiah 26:4: “Trust in the LORD forever, For in GOD the LORD, we have an everlasting Rock”

Much love 

Daughter of God ❤