Anxiety is a thing that nobody wants to experience, yet soooo many do. It is like a viral infection, it spreads so rapidly. It is that voice that tells you ‘I can not do it’, ‘I am not good enough’, ‘I am just not worth it’; it happens but can I ever let it go? It feels like a chain dragging me down, deeper and deeper until I drown: it is pain; it is fear; it is doubt. As a Christian with anxiety, I scream for God, I call His name and often it feels like He can not hear me… He can, but when you are deep in that pit of desperation it often feels like I am miles from Him. I want to run into His arms but I feel like a bad Christian, I feel like He will be mad at me for not trusting in Him, for having these awful feelings of self hate and often further. I have never self harmed and I am so glad that God has saved me before this, but surely having the thoughts are just as bad, it is still close to the act? I question often whether it would make me feel better or would it relieve pain? After minutes or sometimes an hour of anxiety I look at myself in disgust! Why would I, a Christian, judge God’s trust, how could I betray such awesome beauty. I take this anger out on others, often family, I get mad and find myself arguing with them… I do not mean too and I am not mad at them, I am just so angry at myself… Will I ever learn from this lesson?
I, personally, have a long way to go, miles in fact in getting over this anxiety and lack of trust, but I truly believe in ‘if you fall down 7 times, stand up 8’. Jesus died for us on the cross so we can have chance after chance; we should not take this for granted but we can try and redeem ourselves. One of my best friends, whom I go to when I am really struggling, often questions me ‘have you prayed?’… damn it! In the midst of the state of panic I forgot to pray? How stupid can I be! God is probably looking at me thinking ‘pray, I will not leave your side’. How can I be so stubborn to forget God, He is holding my hand and I cannot even remember to thank Him! But the Lord loves me, He loves you. He is not mad. He wants us to invite Him in. He has felt pain through Jesus on the cross. He understands what we are going through. We are not alone, no matter how alone we feel.
One day, I will be able to kick anxiety in the face… it will probably be many days, years in fact… but through it all I know God will be with me, and He will be with you too. He loves you, yes little you! He adores you. You are His child and it kills Him to see you cry, but He will never love you any less, He will never be angry at you, He will never be disappointed.
Pray, read your Bible, talk to a friend, go out and pursue a hobby, what ever is that helps you and God combined rip off those chains that are drowning you.
You will get through this, and when you do you will be so proud of yourself and God will be so proud of you.
Philippians 4:6-7 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Song: Will Reagan- Break Every Chain
Much love and God bless
Daughter of God ❤