How Can I Love God But Hate Myself?

Hmmm… that is a tough one really. How can I love God but hate myself? I know I am far from being on my own in this situation. A lot of people, Christians and non-Christians, dislike who they are; their height, their weight, their shape, their size, their hair… the list could go on. I am not going to even go into the things that I would change about myself, quite frankly the list would be long, boring and well I am not writing this for people to feel sorry for me. In this world today, media dominates a large proportion of it. It is every where, no matter which way you turn. It is like a wasp and it seems that every time you even attempt to waft it away it comes right back. Training to be a teacher and previously being a youth leader, I have even seen instances from young ages where young children even feel like they have to conform in a certain way; it is truly heart-breaking to be quite frank. What 8 year-old should have to feel like they do not look the right way and should have to follow the “laws” of image?  Personally, I go day in and day out of not feeling like I love the way I look. Although it plays on my mind a lot, it came to light yesterday the way I feel when talking to a friend. I often despise looking in the mirror and seeing pictures of myself is often horrible. In the past I have been out with friends and we take a group picture, I am mortified when I look back at it, I see everyone else looking lovely and then I see me, I can not look past it, and for me when I tell people that I do not like it can we take another is hard. But sometimes I feel misunderstood, I do not do it to get complements by no means and I do not do it for the attention… I genuinely hate the way I look on it. I look at others and think I want to be them, I want to look like her, I have to look this way to be accepted by males. When I think about it, it is truly ridiculous. Why should anyone have to go through their lives feeling like this?

But how and where does God fit into this? Either you are asking this about yourself or wondering how people, like myself, can manage to have a relationship with Jesus and a faith with God but still manage to have self-hate in life. The answer, albeit not simple can be defined in one word. DIFFICULT. People think that having a faith is easy and I am sure you will agree with me that it is not. Despite it being challenging it is heart-warming to know that God loves us despite all of our flaws and foibles. But for me, where do I stand? How can I stand in God’s embrace when I do not like how I look? God told us that we were made in His image. I have never seen God- but I can safely say that His beauty is so vast that we can not comprehend it, so surely we are? God made every single one of us… He planned it out, He thought so carefully and so intricately. Why can I not understand that, God made me for who I am so why can I not love who I am? Unfortunately, the reason is that the world gets inside us, it allows us to think that we are not beautiful and it allows us to feel awful about ourselves. God on the other hand looks at us from the inside out; he sees emotions, he sees our hearts and he even see our faces and bodies and thinks I love her/him. I pity those (we are all culprits!) who feel like they can look at someone and think ‘they are ugly’, ‘they are fat’, ‘they have too many spots’ or  ‘there legs are too skinny’, why would you do this, if God the King, can look at everyone upon this Earth and see their beauty why should you not?

I could ramble on for ages, I really could. It is clearly for me a very open wound. I struggle with body-image issues and I constantly fault who I am. But do you ever think that when you look at someone else and think that ‘I want to be them’, they are looking at themselves thinking ‘I hate my legs and my bum, why can I not look like them?’. I have a long way to go before I can except who I am, I am not denying this is easy, far from it. But what I would say is try your very best to see yourself through God’s eyes, not the world’s. Try, again it is very hard, to value who you are, love the person who you are… God sees your beauty and so will the people who love you.

Genesis 1:27 (NIV)- ‘So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them’.

Much love and God Bless

Daughter Of God ❤

 

Anxiety and God: How Do They Fit?

Anxiety is a thing that nobody wants to experience, yet soooo many do. It is like a viral infection, it spreads so rapidly. It is that voice that tells you ‘I can not do it’, ‘I am not good enough’, ‘I am just not worth it’; it happens but can I ever let it go? It feels like a chain dragging me down, deeper and deeper until I drown: it is pain; it is fear; it is doubt. As a Christian with anxiety, I scream for God, I call His name and often it feels like He can not hear me… He can, but when you are deep in that pit of desperation it often feels like I am miles from Him. I want to run into His arms but I feel like a bad Christian, I feel like He will be mad at me for not trusting in Him, for having these awful feelings of self hate and often further. I have never self harmed and I am so glad that God has saved me before this, but surely having the thoughts are just as bad, it is still close to the act? I question often whether it would make me feel better or would it relieve pain? After minutes or sometimes an hour of anxiety I look at myself in disgust! Why would I, a Christian, judge God’s trust, how could I betray such awesome beauty. I take this anger out on others, often family, I get mad and find myself arguing with them… I do not mean too and I am not mad at them, I am just so angry at myself… Will I ever learn from this lesson? 
I, personally, have a long way to go, miles in fact in getting over this anxiety and lack of trust, but I truly believe in ‘if you fall down 7 times, stand up 8’. Jesus died for us on the cross so we can have chance after chance; we should not take this for granted but we can try and redeem ourselves. One of my best friends, whom I go to when I am really struggling, often questions me ‘have you prayed?’… damn it! In the midst of the state of panic I forgot to pray? How stupid can I be! God is probably looking at me thinking ‘pray, I will not leave your side’. How can I be so stubborn to forget God, He is holding my hand and I cannot even remember to thank Him! But the Lord loves me, He loves you. He is not mad. He wants us to invite Him in. He has felt pain through Jesus on the cross. He understands what we are going through. We are not alone, no matter how alone we feel. 
One day, I will be able to kick anxiety in the face… it will probably be many days, years in fact… but through it all I know God will be with me, and He will be with you too. He loves you, yes little you! He adores you. You are His child and it kills Him to see you cry, but He will never love you any less, He will never be angry at you, He will never be disappointed. 
Pray, read your Bible, talk to a friend, go out and pursue a hobby, what ever is that helps you and God combined rip off those chains that are drowning you. 

You will get through this, and when you do you will be so proud of yourself and God will be so proud of you. 

Philippians 4:6-7 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Song: Will Reagan- Break Every Chain

Much love and God bless
Daughter of God ❤

Christ, my Rock

Helloooo,
Storms, ‘what are they?’ I hear you ask. Well, I am certainly no expert or psychologist, but I can safely say that everybody’s storms are different, hence why we should not judge others because we truly can often never completely and utterly understand what they are going through (I agree we can show large amounts of empathy towards others because we understand their troubles but we often do not completely understand their true heart). 

Each can be different; it can be a light shower of sadness or a heavy thunderstorm of pain, but each immensely significant, so individual to our life story… what I would say though is just because one chapter of your “book” seems to be awful it does not mean that every chapter will be. Tomorrow is another day, a new start, and God is willing to give you this chance over and over; that does not in any sense mean we should take it for granted but it means that we can keep trying… 

God does not expect you to do this all on your own, He never expects us to do anything on our own, if we ask Him into our lives He will willingly help us and stand by us through everything. Our storms do not define us, they are merely an element to our life, which like in a chemical formula we can remove depending on what we do. We can rip away from the things that lead us to sin or cause us pain by finding strength in Christ. You are stronger than you know… many people are so proud of you… keep praying, there is no wrong way… call on your King, He wants to help you, He does not expect you to go through your storm alone; anxiety, depression, temptation, sin, fear, what ever it is. You are never too broken for Christ. HE LOVES YOU. 
Isaiah 26:4: “Trust in the LORD forever, For in GOD the LORD, we have an everlasting Rock”

Much love 

Daughter of God ❤ 

Break Every Chain

Heyyy,

So we sing so often about breaking chains but seriously do you actually know the true meaning of those words?! This is just my interpretation and just to warn you I am certainly no expert, I am not a vicar or anything, but I do love Jesus so here goes… for me it is about being free from the things, our daily life, sin, to name a few. We are humans and to put it bluntly not one of us is perfect. We may have been created in God’s image but our human flesh often takes us away from walking with Jesus. All we do that does not follow Jesus’ example adds another chain to us, it pulls us down more and more, we begin to sink. Sometimes we do not realise that we are sinking, but as we get deeper and deeper, often so close to the bottom we suddenly realise that something has to change. Those who do hit the bottom sometimes do not realise and often try and walk on the sinking sand, as you can imagine it is likely to be particularly difficult but hey ho, that is their choice and although I would like to help them free themselves some people truly do forget or are not aware of what it is like to walk on rocks, that rock is Jesus and it is much more of a smooth journey. Now that is not to say it is easy because sometimes the rocks can be rocky and sharp but nevertheless it is still better than walking on the sinking sand with chains holding us down. Now I can not speak for everyone else, however I am sure many of you will agree with me, that we often have lots of chains holding us down, I have definitely seen the bottom at times, maybe my toes have even lightly touched the floor. In these times it feels like we can not fight back, that all hope is lost, but I am here to tell you that it is not. No matter how many chains are holding you down and starving you from God, Jesus died to save us meaning we now have the opportunity to be free from the chains. That is what we are asking God for, to break all the chains, to take everything blocking the way between yourself and Jesus, to take away everything that is hindering your relationship with Jesus from flourishing.

When the chains have been broken, we are renewed. But it often is so difficult and every day more chains are added to us. But everyday we must offer everything up to God and say sorry for everything we have done. Now this does not excuse from doing things on purpose and thinking oh it is okay God will forgive me. It is a two way street and although God will forgive you no matter what you have done you have to make a concious effort to try and walk in the way Jesus did.

It is important to let God break the chains, let Him come into your life and fill You with glory. He will care for you, He will hold you in his embrace, He will guide you, He loves you!

Much Love and God Bless 💗

Everything And Nothing Less, I Give You

Hello,

That is one massive statement, EVERYTHING AND NOTHING LESS I GIVE YOU, but as a Christian that is what we are saying. We are saying that we give our whole lives to Jesus, every single thing; our relationships, our possessions, our careers, everything! Now I am not going to sit here and tell you that it is easy, I certainly struggle to offer up everything to God. Our human flesh is what makes this difficult, it is what separates us and creates the sin, it is what stops our soul from walking by Jesus. Everyday I commit the sin myself, I am swayed by the materialistic things I have and everything else that comes along with that. The road is hard but when you finally take the leap to say to Jesus I offer up my life to you, everything and nothing less, your relationship with Jesus will be so strong and His love will shine out of you. Our earthly possessions are God’s, just look at like we are looking after them while we live on the earth. When we go and live in Heaven though we will just be our soul. None of the possessions will matter which means that we have to make sure that we feed our soul now so that when we get to Heaven we are ready. To feed your soul you have to try your best and walk by Jesus now. It is not always easy and I am definitely not always following in Jesus’ foot prints. I often try and create my own footpaths, which get me no where. They are dead ends. But everyday I pray and ask God to guide me in everything I do so that I can be filled with his love and grace. Pray and ask everyday for God to give you the opportunity to follow him and to not be broken by the things we have on earth.

God wants you to follow Him, He wants you to love Him as much as He loves you! God does not look at all you do wrong, He looks at everything in which you try to do to be the best you can. He is proud of you! No matter how small your steps, it is about moving forward and progression. He understands that you are not going to be perfect straight away in everything you do. That is why He sent Jesus down to die on the cross to save us… He loves you!
Much love and God Bless 💗

You Can Not Go Far Wrong Living For Jesus

Hey there,

Well you may be asking what do I mean?! It is simple really… if you live in a way that aligns with the way Jesus lived you will get on just fine. The path that Jesus tells us to follow may be the narrow path, because He never said walking with him was going to be easy, but He did say that it would be worth it. Walking with Jesus by your side is a privilege, well for me it is! We are always going to hit storms, my testimony explained many that I have been through, but God sometimes takes us into troubled waters not to drown us but to cleanse us. God knows what the plan is, He knows it off by heart! You have to believe that God will hold you close, no matter how many times you stumble and no matter how many times you walk on the wide, some say easy, road without him. You are His child, and He will guide you and love you through all. He will not give up on you no matter how many times you think that you have failed. You are NEVER a failure to God, and if there was only one person that will stick by you through thick and thin, well it is Him!

It could just be very easy to give up on God, to lead a life of no faith, but the security and happiness is unlikely to be strong. God holds us so close to Him that we are able to feel comfort when we trust Him. I can easily say that sometimes following Jesus is hard, particularly as it does not tend to fit social norms BUT I would have it no other way. Living in God’s grace is a beautiful thing and without Him I would not be the person I am today. He called you and me by name! He has a plan for us all; every individual! Listen out for Him, walk by Him, because you are undefeatable when you walk with Him!

Much love and God Bless 💗

My Testimony: I Am Not Perfect, But God Loves Me

I highly doubt that a huge number of people will read this, but I am still going to write this testimony, here goes…
I was brought up with a Christian family and the Christian morals were instilled in me from a young age, I was also christened. Although I went to a Christian faith primary school we did not go to church on a regular basis as a family, so I was not really sure what it all meant to me. We did go at Christmas and the odd other occasion but that was about it. It was not until I got to high school that a lady from church, that I knew through her son at primary school, told me about a church youth group. Very scared, at the age of 11 I went along to the youth group not knowing anyone that well, at the end of the day most of the people there had known each other for a lot longer as they went to church much more often. I was a very nervy child and hated going into situations were I knew very few people and would not stay away from home or anything, this was a big step for me!
I then went on to the next youth group up after making some lovely friends, who I am still best friends with to this day! Other than youth group I did not do a lot of other things regarding church and my faith.

Wanting to stand up to say I was a Christian was not an easy thing, but when given the opportunity to do the Youth Alpha course and get confirmed I was up for it. With my doubts I went along and to say I got a lot from it is an understatement. That is when I first started to understand what it was like to live as a Christian and I am so grateful to all the leaders there for helping me take the leap. The next nerve-racking but extremely exciting thing to happen was getting confirmed. I was finally going to stand up in front of my friends and family and God and say yes this is what I wanted, I wantedto be a follower of Jesus. I even got the privilege, although very frightening chance, to read out my testimony in front of the whole cathedral. But after I did it and nearly cried, I was made up that I had made this commitment.
Then when it was time to move on to the next youth group; super excited! I had some amazing friends and although I was not right there in my faith I was getting on quite well with it. New youth group meant evening church service! This was definitely something very different but I loved it.
I lost my grandad in 2013 and this was possibly one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. I remember seeing my grandad for the last time, I never thought for a second that I would never see him again. But it is almost like I knew, I gave him the biggest hug I have ever given anyone and told him I loved him, I can still remember it now. When I came home from school one day my dad opened the front door and was crying, I had never seen him cry before and I was very confused. When he told me, I burst into tears and screamed. I fell to the floor and this continued for about 10 minutes. I was so angry at God, I could not believe He had done this! But when I look back on it I know God did the right thing. My granddad was going to go in to hospital for a massive operation that may not have worked and could have caused him pain. I believe it was God’s way of letting my Grandad die naturally and in peace. It also strengthened my faith because, although I was angry, I knew God had done it for the good.
I have been to a few Christian events as well which really strengthen my faith. I have felt God in many ways and cried rivers of tears because of the Holy Spirit. I even had the privilege to speak in tounges thanks to one of my friends, I have never been more grateful. It allows me to feel like I can talk to God even when I do not know what to say to Him. One experience allowed me to pray with a lady who I did not know. It was after a song called ‘No longer slaves’, the song sent me in floods of tears because the words ‘I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God’. Listening to those lyrics is very difficult for me because although I know I am a child of God I often feel like a slave to fear…

My life seemed pretty easy up to then and although I was nervy I got on well. But as I have been getting older I have definitely struggled with anxiety…(Going to try and not cry as I write this as I have to go into uni soon!) It has never been super terrible but it definitely has a strong grip on my life. I feel like I am fighting myself sometimes, a full on inner war! It sometimes tries to pull me from God and although it has never been as bad as self harm and depression I have definitely thought about it before in those moments when it all seems just too much. I am so glad that I never did anything and I am fighting my battle. Every day I wake up and think I really hate myself, I hate the way I look and always feel like no one will ever like or love me, I get annoyed at myself, sometimes for no reason whatsoever. I have a long way to go but I am fighting it with God by my side.

I am so grateful for all God has done for me and although I have a long way to go in my faith, I love Jesus! He saved me! He has given me the most amazing friends that help me so much in my faith. I have known many of them since the age of 5 and some 11 and some much less but all of them have touched my life and made my faith stronger. I have told some of them things that I could never tell most people and those people know who they are.

Thank you God for everything! 💗